Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
