Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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