That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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