my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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