shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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