No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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