I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
