ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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