my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
