Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
