My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
