it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
