This girl is more easily done than said...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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