Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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