So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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