made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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