Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
3 2 1 whiskey
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
