I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
