I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
