those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
