i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
