He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
