I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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