Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
