I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
