I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
