i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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