my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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