Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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