I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
