Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
