when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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