Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
