he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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