our cab driver is having phone sex.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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