I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
