Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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