Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
