I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
