If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
