Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Randomize
