I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
