Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
