Banned from zoo.
Again?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
