Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
