after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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