Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
