The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
