so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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