I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
