I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
